A Feat (and Feet) for the Aged

I had a big birthday coming up and was asked what I wanted to do. Party On! Pizza, a Chuck-E-Cheese-like arcade near my childhood home complete with animatronics, greasy food and cheap prizes that "cost" thousands of tickets, closed in approximately 1997. So, I was out of ideas.

Then my parents suggested they could fly in from their home in Naples, Florida to watch the kids while Belle and I stayed at their house for a long weekend. Some warm weather in January sounded great, plus the trip would be a milestone for us: Our first vacation without kids since the middle of the Obama administration. (You had to think for a second how long ago that was, right?)

We have sent the older kids for a sleepover at my in-laws but, since our youngest was born, leaving all three behind seemed unfair to our parents. Also, Covid. These days, however, the kids are self-sufficient in their own ways and knew, if grandma and grandpa were coming to town, they would be getting some new toys and ice cream at some point during the visit. Everyone would win, so I booked our plane tickets.

Every weekend is a busy weekend with kids, which is why we left behind three pages of instructions for my parents (in large font, natch) that included times and addresses for after-school art programs, basketball, swimming and Hebrew school pickup and drop-off. Belle and I went to bed late Thursday night after making sure everything was in order and kids' lunches were packed.

We were getting picked up at 4:45 a.m. Friday morning to get to the airport and, looking back, that's when I realized this was going to be a different kind of trip. Had kids been coming on the trip, we would probably have gotten up at 3 a.m. - at the latest - to get ourselves together, make sure we had everything they needed and wake them up as close to 4:45 as possible so all we had to do was put them in the car. Instead, without kids, we rolled out of bed at 4, put on running clothes for later in the morning and brought our suitcase downstairs.

At the airport, we checked our one bag, watching sleep-deprived parents pushing strollers or carrying small children also in a daze. We took a leisurely walk to the gate and then, with time to spare, took a leisurely walk to find the nearest Starbucks. We spent the flight reading or sleeping, not entertaining a child. 

So far, so wonderful. We landed in warm weather and our long weekend away was underway. 

This is a family-friendly space, but I wanted to share some of the adult things we were able to do:

- Go out to eat after 6:30 p.m.

- Visit the pool without first spending 50 minutes applying sunscreen on everyone and packing roughly 3,529 snacks

- Not set a morning alarm

Thus relaxed, things got a little crazy. Belle wanted to get a pedicure and, capturing the you-only-live-once ethos of this trip, I decided to join her for my first one ever. We both got the basic treatment and I was trying my best not to laugh as the pedicurist manipulated my toes. Then she looked at my heels, which, admittedly, are pockmarked with dry skin despite my recent best efforts to moisturize.

"Do you want to upgrade?" she asked, pointing to the next level on the pricing sheet that included dry-skin removal and massage.

(Artist rendering of my pedicure)

I agreed, figuring there was a reason for her look of concern. That look of concern transferred to my face as she pulled out what looked like a small, handheld grater. She started to, well, grate my heels and I bounced between feeling pain, ticklish and nauseous as the shavings piled up in front of her like she was putting Parmesan on my pasta and I refused to say "when." I now know exactly what Lloyd Christmas was experiencing when he was getting his makeover. 

After what seemed like forever, I hopped out of the chair with incredibly smooth feet and felt like I was walking on clouds. I celebrated my newfound sense of adventure later that afternoon by falling asleep sitting by the pool.

Did we miss our kids? It was hard not to think about them at my parents' house because their photos (along with photos of their cousins) are plastered on almost every inch of available wall and shelf space. And we did FaceTime a few times a day to say hi. Belle wanted to make sure everything was OK at our house and pumped everyone on the other end for information. I looked to make sure no child had any sort of head wound and then went back to admiring my feet.

The kids came up during our conversations but it was nice to have a conversation without kids interrupting. We enjoyed seeing other people with their babies but were glad to be past that stage of parenting and that said babies were someone else's. In other words, we fit right in with all of the grandparents around us even as we brought down the average age of wherever we were by about 25 years.

By Sunday morning, we could have stayed another week in the warm weather but also were ready to get home and see the kids. The look of excitement on their faces when we walked through the front door, those first hugs and kisses - that was the best birthday present I could ask for. 

The ice cream cake they bought me was pretty good, too. 

Taken for a Ride at Disney World

Minnie Mouse and three of her fans.

When I was younger, I made two fashion-related promises to myself:

• I will never purchase all-white New Balance sneakers
• I will never be part of one of those families that wears matching shirts in Disney World

So I was surprised how not-mad I was to be wearing a T-shirt with The Beast in sunglasses and the word "Dad" below it, posing for a photo with the family first thing in the morning at the Magic Kingdom, with Cinderella's Castle behind us. Kids have a funny way of changing your perspective.

(Since you're wondering, Belle's shirt had Belle on it, natch; my older daughter's had Ariel; my younger daughter's had Minnie; and my son chose Darth Vader. Should he become a serial killer, we'll know where it came from.) 

We, along with my parents, spent two-and-a-half days at The Happiest Place on Earth Except for Your Bank Account. Let's get that out of the way: Disney is expensive, although I thought it was a bit excessive when Donald Duck grabbed my wallet during one of the 3-D shows.

Making it better (or worse) is all transactions at Disney can be done through an app or a wristband, so you don't feel like you're spending anything. Many dads (and they were all dads) wore shirts calling themselves "Human ATMs" or that had the word "broke" in the famous Disney font. You really can't put a price on happiness, I guess, until you see your next credit card statement.

Perhaps it wasn't surprising, then, that Disney shows a little mercy and allows Instacart deliveries to people staying on their properties. Belle took advantage of this to get snacks for the parks and to make quick in-room breakfasts each morning. I was skeptical -- there are few things I enjoy more than a hotel breakfast -- but, as usual, Belle was right. Because a day in a Disney park starts early and requires the planning of a high-risk military maneuver and the mental fortitude of a Navy SEAL.

My day started at 6 a.m., when I paid $18 per person via the app just for the right to attempt to jump the line for a given attraction at a given time. At 7 a.m., we had to pick our first "Lightning Lane" ride, and that time window would determine how we mapped out the rest of the day. The app also gives approximate wait times for all shows and rides in a park, and we tried to find attractions with lines no longer than 45 minutes. So, between the Lightning Lane RSVPs, monitoring wait times at other attractions and ordering food for pickup, I spent approximately 80% of my time in Disney with my head down, glued to my phone.

Another 15% of my time was spent waiting in line to take pictures with characters. But all of the kids went home happy: my oldest got photos with princesses; my youngest was overjoyed to see Mickey, Minnie and friends; and, my son, in what is probably a top-three moment of his life so far, met Darth Vader. If Ron DeSantis wants to make more Disney-related laws in Florida, he needs to ban adults without children waiting in line to take photos with the characters. I will grant an exemption to recently married or engaged couples so long as they are wearing T-shirts indicating their relationship status.

But that other 5% of my time in Disney, I had a blast going on rides and watching the kids have the trip of their lives. And that's the thing about going to Disney World: It's fun! The days are long (and we even were back in our rooms before dinner) and there is a lot of walking and navigating crowds. But somehow the excitement of a two-minute ride sustains you long enough until you get to the next attraction. (Parent tip: Rent or bring enough stroller seats for each child. We would not have survived without my parents bringing their umbrella stroller to go with the two-seater rental I schlepped in both parks.)

My concerns about our youngest having meltdowns never materialized, and when she was tired or there was a ride she couldn't go on, my parents would simply walk her around in the stroller. The kids' enthusiasm never waned, and they each had their favorite attractions while also at least pretending to enjoy what their siblings liked. (I'm specifically thinking of the second ride we took on It's a Small World for my youngest.) They already are talking about what they want to see and do during our next visit, and it will be fun to see how their love of Disney will change as they grow older.

By then, I'll probably be in a market for new shoes. And those New Balances sure do look comfortable.