That's what (Facebook) friends are for

I made a startling discovery this week: I have exactly 64 friends. At least, that's how many people sent me birthday wishes through Facebook.

"Friends," of course, is a broad term, particularly when it comes to social networks. My birthday greetings came from one of three types of people:

1. FRIENDS - A close friend who called and/or sent me a birthday card trying to cover all the bases
2. Friends - An acquaintance with whom I could carry on a conversation should our paths ever cross but otherwise would not keep in touch with
3. friends - People I have not spoken to in years - if I even remember speaking to them at all

It wasn't always this complicated. Back in elementary school, for example, birthday wishes came primarily from the people in my class. And that was after I brought some sort of dessert for everyone to enjoy. Except my Jehovah's Witness classmates. That's why their recruiting efforts at schools typically fail.

(This was also a time when kids did not have all of these "allergies" they have today. You got in trouble if you didn't bring in something that contained peanuts back when I was in the first grade.)

Anyways, with Facebook, I really appreciate knowing so many people took time out from their day to mark my special day. For about five seconds. Then I get resentful and angry.

The resentment comes almost immediately because I must respond to each Facebook post individually. I know some people blast out a status update thanking everyone at the end of the birthday day. That's fine...if you're lazy. To me, each Facebook message is a exclamation point-filled gift in need of a proper thank you note. So, I respond with a "Thanks!" and occasionally throw in a "Hope all is well." But this can get real old real quick, to the point where by response No. 31 I'm ready to be openly hostile:

Thanks for being so inconsiderate! Writing this is keeping me from eating birthday cake, you jerk.

Hope all is well.

The anger comes later, on February 8th. Or August 11th. Or whatever day a birthday wisher's birthday falls on. Because by wishing me happy birthday, they have without my consent entered me into an unwritten contract whereby I must reciprocate on their birthday. (Note: This is probably why I have few friends born in early January.)

With FRIENDS, I'm not that worried. Chances are, I've called, sent a card or at least a text message on their birthdays. With friends, I'm not that worried either, because my forgetting cannot ruin a birthday, only add to it. It's the Friends that concern me, especially if the next time we talk they ask about my birthday. Then, I really have to remember their birthday or else I'm now two in the hole, and my chances of digging out grow slimmer than Hosni Mubarak's of winning "Egyptian Idol."

Since it appears Facebook is here to stay, I guess this unwritten contract is, too. So I'll have to be a little more diligent in observing birthdays on Facebook.

Or I could become friends with more Jehovah's Witnesses.