Waist management

I received a link the other day to purchase videos and photos from the half-marathon I ran in Washington over the weekend. Because nothing says "I ran 13.1 miles" like your picture on a luggage tag to go along with two days of struggling to climb stairs.

The video from the finish line was pretty depressing. There are people jogging across it, people giving one last burst, even a guy in an Uncle Sam hat triumphantly raising his arms. And then there I am, urgently hobbling like my dinner didn't agree with me.

In other words, I looked and felt like an old man. Thankfully, I regained my youth later that night at dinner, when I saw a Dad sit down at a nearby table with his long-sleeved T-shirt tucked into his jeans.

(POLL UPDATE: Thanks to everyone who voted last week. The majority of you think I look handsome no matter what I wear and believe I will be seeing "Friends with Benefits" this summer if my girlfriend wants to see it. That's probably the least I can do for her, seeing as she would've finished the race more than the five minutes faster than she did had she not "run" beside me for a bit when I was hurting.)

There seem to be a variety of male markers for getting older. I'm OK with the hair growth in strange places; the woman who cuts my hair now trims my eyebrows without my asking. But to me, the clearest sign you're officially old is the unconscious need to tuck in any shirt you're wearing no matter how stupid it might look.

I don't know exactly at what age that happens. Sure, the average working male spends most of his day with his shirt tucked in, but that doesn't mean he has to tuck his T-shirt into his shorts before he works out at the gym. Perhaps it's done to contain a growing belly. In that case, I would argue the tucked-in shirt only accentuates the gut.

Society equates the tuck-in with cleanliness. I say it just creates more surface area for you to spill something onto your pants. And when that happens, there's only one thing to do - untuck your shirt.

That night for dinner, incidentally, I left my chaps at home (thanks again to everyone who voted in my poll!) and was wearing an untucked sweater... with no belt around my jeans. This is a more controversial position: one of my cousins insists that if your pants have belt loops, you must wear a belt.

This makes sense when the shirt is tucked in, or if your pants don't fit. But if the pants fit and the shirt is untucked, why give yourself one more hurdle when it comes time to use the bathroom? Besides, I've noticed women often wear pants with belt loops but no belt. Maybe the belt loops are supposed to be decorative, or maybe they don't want to draw attention to their midsections, not that there's anything to draw attention to because they look fantastic and I'm pretty sure they've lost some weight and let's just continue to the next paragraph.

I know there's a good chance I'll read this 30 years from now wearing my tucked-in T-shirt and laugh at my youthful ignorance. Time has a way of eroding even the strongest feelings. But if, 30 years from now, I'm also reading this while wearing socks with sandals, I give you permission to beat me with my own belt.