Awww nuts

I absolutely despise chunky peanut butter. But I probably wouldn't have started this blog without it.

The story begins in late 1999, when the world was preparing for, as everyone remembers, Sweden's declaring the Church of Sweden no longer the state religion. I had applied for and was selected to be the columnist for my high school newspaper.

My first column examined public displays of affection. I heaped scorn on couples making out in the hallways, the people that "believe that 40 minutes of a period is equivalent to a lifetime before seeing their love again and must sanctify their love by locking lips tighter than spandex on a fat guy." (The sentence probably could have used some polishing, but that analogy remains pure comedic gold.)

I don't quite remember the reaction to the column, but then again most of my high school memories are hazy due to my BoKu addiction. The response must have been mostly positive, however, because I distinctly recall brimming with confidence as I turned in my next column.

The administration had prevented the drama department from putting on a production of "To Kill A Mockingbird" for content reasons. At the same time, the school made a pointed effort to observe World AIDS Day and had sex education classes. I thought the stances were at odds and planned to call out administrators on their hypocrisy. I'll never forget my first sentence:

What do a girl named Scout and gonorrhea have in common?

I almost bought earplugs fearing the loud buzz my column would call when it hit the school's hallways. So it was much to my surprise when I opened the paper the day it came out and saw the following first sentence:

The first thing I think when I see a Hershey's Bar with almonds is "what a waste of chocolate."

Turns out my editors killed my column and instead ran a piece I had submitted with my application, seen in the photo above. It was a creative writing assignment for my English class about why I hated nuts in general and chunky peanut butter in particular:

The biggest thing nuts spoil is peanut butter. ...Putting nuts in peanut butter is kind of like putting a mustache on the Mona Lisa - why ruin a masterpiece?

I also had a spirited riff about Mr. Peanut:

He is the only mascot I would slap if given the chance. ...The idea of a nut aristocracy is ludicrous to begin with. Does he think he's better than me just because he and his monocle are on a can of peanuts?

People really liked the column, even those "people" who liked chunky peanut butter. I learned a valuable lesson in the process: stick to writing about silly things, life's foibles. It's a philosophy that has fueled my creative writing since then, including this blog.

My column on nuts ended this way:

If I could turn just one person away from extra chunky Peter Pan, I would be content. And maybe, just maybe, I would not be as nuts as I am now.

It's a sentiment that sticks with me, like spandex on a... well, you know.