Stall tactics

I was at a urinal the other day when I discovered something I never noticed before. And it didn't happen while I was looking down.

This bathroom had three stalls next to one urinal. While I was at said urinal, two friends walked in a few seconds apart. Let's call them Nick and Bob, because those are their names. As I was washing my hands, I noticed Nick was in the stall closest to the urinal. Bob, meanwhile, took the stall farthest away from Nick.

It hit me like a ton of stuff you don't want to get hit with in a bathroom. Every guy knows proper urinal etiquette is to take the one farthest away from an occupied one, an instinct documented in the landmark 1981 paper published by Harvard researchers,"Mine's Bigger." But it never dawned on me the same rules apply for stalls as well.

(For the record, Nick and Bob were both standing in the stalls, if you catch my drift. Every guy knows the proper stall to use when someone is sitting is one on an entirely different floor.)

I've asked many male friends and family members in the past few days what they would've done if they were in Bob's position. The answer is unanimous - they would've done what Bob did. Many were surprised I even had to ask the question in the first place.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I usually subconsciously go to the farthest stall. The only time I hesitate is when the farthest stall is the wheelchair-accessible one. I always worry that someone who really needs to use that stall - and really needs to use the bathroom - will be waiting outside. And can you imagine how much revenue police could generate if they started charging people for peeing in a handicapped zone?

Anyways, with my suspicions about male behavior confirmed, I decided to present the same scenario to some women I know, seeing as they have much more experience with stalls. I think I solved one of mankind's longstanding questions about the female species in the process, but more on that in a bit.

I was surprised that many women said they would do just like a man and take the unoccupied stall farthest away from the occupied stall. One said it's a matter of respecting another's personal space and similar principles should be followed when deciding what treadmill to use at the gym, a parallel I had not previously not thought about.

Yet other women told me they didn't pay attention to what stall they used, instead focusing on getting in and out of the bathroom as quick as possible. This strategy has its drawbacks, though; one friend told me that when she is in the first stall, more women than she can count try to get in "without checking to see feet."

The most revealing response I got from women, however, was when I slightly altered the scenario to walking into the bathroom with a friend. Why women travel in packs to public restrooms is a question that has vexed men for generations. My theory is the same theory I have about what women do wherever they gather without men: tickle fight.

Turns out friends apparently will go into adjacent stalls to finish conversations started on the way to the bathroom. But they also sit side-by-side "just in case someone needs to pass the tp or what have you," as one friend put it. So there you have it. Women visit public restrooms together in case there is a toilet paper emergency.

Please don't forget to wash your hands before leaving this column.